As the nightmare that is 2020 draws to a close, John Horton, director of Horton and Garton in west London, hopes that this new take on the Nativity story will raise a chuckle or two this Christmas whilst reminding folks of the reason for the season.

Horton wrote this in conjunction with his parish vicar near the Staffordshire/Shropshire border, Rachel Dale of St Mary’s Wheaton Aston CofE.

“We’re hoping it might be a bit of festive fun for our fellow agents,” says Horton’s colleague, Jenn Irvine.

Enjoy!

A Very 2020 West London Nativity

Mary was sitting in her garden with a cup of tea and a slice of buttered homemade sourdough. Despite Nazareth’s Tier 3 restrictions, she was feeling smug as she’d finished her chores and even squeezed in a Joe Wicks PE session so she had a moment of free time before her Teams meeting at 11.

Just as she was dozing off into a reverie about owning her own exotic tiger park in Oklahoma, an angel appeared from a socially distanced 2 metres away (but he didn’t have a mask on as they were outside). The angel told her she was to have a baby. He would be God’s son – a light for all the people of the world – and she was to call him Jesus. Mary was a little confused at first, “but then again everything is a bit confusing at the moment” she thought. She wondered if this was fake news, but with a bit of Googling and a lot of praying she realized that this really was God’s plan. And so she said “Yes.”

She told her fiancé Joseph, “A miracle has happened” to which he replied, “Have the pubs reopened?!” “No” said Mary,“I’m pregnant.” Joseph wasn’t convinced… at least not until the angel paid him a visit, too. “Don’t worry,” Joseph said to Mary, “we can bring the wedding forward. We’ll need to cut down the guest list but we can livestream the service to everyone else on Facebook.”

A few months went by, lockdown was eased a little and then tightened again, and it was almost time for the baby to be born. The Prime Minister said that Mary and Joseph needed to go to Bethlehem to be counted (even though last week the PM had also said they shouldn’t make unnecessary journeys which confused them: Stay Home, Stay Safe, Get Counted?!). They wondered and wondered what to do… they knew if they weren’t counted they wouldn’t be able to get Universal Credit, and with the carpentry business struggling, they really needed help.

So they reluctantly agreed to go – even though Bethlehem was increasing to Tier 3 and Hammersmith Bridge was closed was closed to foot traffic. They decided it would be safer if they avoided public transport so they went by donkey using the D9 donkey highway, newly installed by the council to encourage donkey travel. If anyone stopped them, they would say they were taking their daily exercise with the family pet. So they packed up their belongings, including their secret stash of plain flour and loo roll, and set off heading south.

When they got to Bethlehem, it was busier than they expected for a little town on the brink of a Tier 3 lockdown. No wonder the R rate was increasing! They tried to find somewhere to stay but it was hopeless. The first inn they came to was closed with the staff on furlough; the second inn was open but only for takeaways which had to be ordered online and collected from the carpark. They knocked on the door of the final inn. “We’re travelling from Nazareth to be counted. My wife is heavily pregnant and we desperately need a place to stay.”

“Travelling in the middle of lockdown?” the innkeeper thought. “Leave it to the northerners to spoil it for everyone,” he sighed quietly under his breath. “We’re open,” said the innkeeper to Mary and Joseph, “but we’re full of keyworkers who are away from their families.” Mary was close to tears and the innkeeper noticed her eyes welling up. “I can see how tired you are,” he continued. “The E-Type is in the shop for repair,” he pondered. “How about the garage at the back? It’s directly under the flight path but these days it’s very quiet and there’s a Banham security system so you’ll be safe for the night.”

And so Mary and Joseph settled down to sleep, but in the middle of the night the baby was born – which meant that Joseph could be there, which was good. They wrapped baby Jesus in a blanket and placed him in an empty Fortnum & Mason hamper.

There were shepherds in the fields nearby watching their sheep (after all, they couldn’t work from home, could they?). They’d been in a work bubble since the second lockdown began and were watching “Strictly Come Dancing” on their phones with a wry smile, hoping against hope that Hammersmith local Bill Bailey would win the 2020 Glitter Ball. All of a sudden, a heavenly host appeared, singing. Well, not quite a host and not actually singing – just humming – and behind full PPE, mask and visor! The shepherds were used to listening intently across the fields and so had no trouble making out what the angels were telling them: a baby had been born who would be their King, and they could ‘meet’ him on Zoom. After a tussle with an overloaded rural broadband, they managed to connect and meet the baby Jesus, though Mary couldn’t figure out how to unmute herself.

Quite a long way away and not within the travel corridor were three kings. A star had told them about the king as the angels would have had to spend too long in quarantine if they’d gone to visit. They made the journey to Bethlehem walking at a safe distance from one another, only stopping for the occasional M&S sandwich.

When they arrived in Bethlehem, they found the garage. They sanitized, scanned the test and trace QR code on their apps and one at a time were able to go and see the new baby who was safely tucked up behind a perspex screen. They texted Joseph the Hermes tracking code for their gifts which would need to be left for 72 hours before opening. The kings bowed down before the King of kings and said their goodbyes. Then they each whipped out a handy antibacterial wipe to sanitise the garage door handle for the next visitor.

And the baby? He smiled, yawned and went back to sleep, like all babies do.

The details of His birth would be different if Jesus was born in 2020 and not in the 1st century, but the truth of Christmas and the importance of Christmas is the same now, as it was then. A heavenly King, born into our earthly mess. A shepherd King – for kings and for shepherds. May the peace of Jesus be yours in Christmas 2020 and always.

Written by John Horton, founder and director of Horton and Garton estate agency, with the help of Rector Rachel Dale, parish of Lapley and Wheaton Aston, Stafford CofE.